We get a subscription to Entertainment Weekly (it was a gift) and on this week’s cover is the Daniel Craig version of James Bond. And the tag line is something like, “The Inside Story on the Death of the James Bond Series.” Or something like it. I didn’t read the article. I didn’t have to.
First, the last Bond movie, Quantum of Solace, left a lot to be desired. As a long-time moderate fan going back to my childhood, I was kinda disappointed. Here’s my review, if you’re interested.
Second, back in October, I got into a discussion with a friend on one of the biggest weaknesses of Q of S. The Bond villain. Lately, Bond villains have been somewhat lacking in vision. Yeah, I liked LeChiffre from Casino Royale (partly because I like saying “LeChiffre”), but he didn’t have any vision. His big claim to badness? Money laundering. Yawn. His super-power or psychotic trait? He cried blood. Huh?
So, I brain-stormed a lateral list of somewhat unexpected but potentially perfect Bond bad guys. You want a summary? Okay. I thought these dudes might be interesting: Vince Vaughn, Seal, Tom Sizemore, Henry Rollins, David Caruso, Ben Kingsley, Michael Chiklis, Dennis Quaid, Willem Dafoe, and Geoffrey Rush. Before you laugh too hard, click here for the method behind my madness.
I guessed the Entertainment Weekly article would have some wisdom on how to save the 20-plus movie franchise. Now, I figure I don’t have to read it; I know exactly what the producers need to do to get 007 back on track.
1. Casting the bad guy is the most critical factor of the next movie (if there is one). No Euro-weenies. Consider my list or any similar list.
2. The badguy has to have a baaaaad plan. Global domination, or if not global domination, then something damn well close. Something that’ll effect each and every one of us. Lethal viruses. AI. Teleportation or time travel. It’s gotta be SF, pure SF, like Blofeld or Drax dreamed of in all their megalomaniacal glory.
3. Location. Yeah, I guess it’s okay that the producers target a glamorous city on each of the five main continents to give cast and crew luxurious filming locales. But back to the bad guy – Blofeld and Drax had outer space. Stromberg and Largo had undersea cities. Again, it’s a question of vision! Think, writers, think!
4. Give Bond back his Bondness. Daniel Craig has made him a Jason Bourne. In Casino Royale, there was a residual Bondness that was all but jettisoned for Q of S. Keep the fast-paced action chase-fights, just cut the number of them in the movie in half. Then spend the rest of the time re-imbueing character back into James.
5. No shakey-cam. No, no, no, no, no, no, NO! ’Nuff said.
6. Give Bond back some cool gadgets. Maybe my memory is failing me, but was Q even in the last two flicks? And by “cool” I mean science fiction-ish. Not overgrown toy stuff, like remote-control cars. Something cool, like bullets that track certain DNA, or can go around corners. Something weird, that will come into play at a crucial but unexpected turning point three-quarters of the way through the movie.
7. No MTV-style editing. I don’t need a headache from ten-thousand half-second shots every time Bond swings his dukes.
8. Bad guy has to get his comeuppance in a spectacularly violent or destructive way. LeChiffre was shot off screen, I believe, and Q of S Euroweenie was left out in the desert to die. Blah. The next Bond villain has to die in a self-collapsing contained dirty bomb nuke detonation. Or something similar.
9. Next movie needs to be 100 minutes. No more. Anything more – even one minute more – indicates a lack of concise thought actualized in the screenplay. Keep it short and sweet, and leave ’em wanting more.
10. Have Daniel Craig tell a joke, fer cryin’ out loud! All those double entendres that slide off the tongues (see? It’s easy!) of Connery and Moore are missing from this new incarnation of 007. It’s what made James Bond James Bond. Craig looks likes he’s relieved and pleased to have just figured out a sixth-grade division problem whenever he spits one out. Other times he looks like he’d rather be planning his next triathlon. If need be, get the man a real, live martini – or two, or three – before filming any scenes with Bondian humor. Trust me, it’ll be an improvement.
There. My 10-Point Plan to Make the Next Bond Movie A Hit. I have no confidence, though, that anyone involved will come close to doing any of the above, which is a shame. Because, no matter how lame they are, there’s always an expectation, an interest, something that draws many of us to the next James Bond flick, be it an escape back to boyhood memories or a brief interlude in an exciting, over-the-top world of adventure.
First, the last Bond movie, Quantum of Solace, left a lot to be desired. As a long-time moderate fan going back to my childhood, I was kinda disappointed. Here’s my review, if you’re interested.
Second, back in October, I got into a discussion with a friend on one of the biggest weaknesses of Q of S. The Bond villain. Lately, Bond villains have been somewhat lacking in vision. Yeah, I liked LeChiffre from Casino Royale (partly because I like saying “LeChiffre”), but he didn’t have any vision. His big claim to badness? Money laundering. Yawn. His super-power or psychotic trait? He cried blood. Huh?
So, I brain-stormed a lateral list of somewhat unexpected but potentially perfect Bond bad guys. You want a summary? Okay. I thought these dudes might be interesting: Vince Vaughn, Seal, Tom Sizemore, Henry Rollins, David Caruso, Ben Kingsley, Michael Chiklis, Dennis Quaid, Willem Dafoe, and Geoffrey Rush. Before you laugh too hard, click here for the method behind my madness.
I guessed the Entertainment Weekly article would have some wisdom on how to save the 20-plus movie franchise. Now, I figure I don’t have to read it; I know exactly what the producers need to do to get 007 back on track.
1. Casting the bad guy is the most critical factor of the next movie (if there is one). No Euro-weenies. Consider my list or any similar list.
2. The badguy has to have a baaaaad plan. Global domination, or if not global domination, then something damn well close. Something that’ll effect each and every one of us. Lethal viruses. AI. Teleportation or time travel. It’s gotta be SF, pure SF, like Blofeld or Drax dreamed of in all their megalomaniacal glory.
3. Location. Yeah, I guess it’s okay that the producers target a glamorous city on each of the five main continents to give cast and crew luxurious filming locales. But back to the bad guy – Blofeld and Drax had outer space. Stromberg and Largo had undersea cities. Again, it’s a question of vision! Think, writers, think!
4. Give Bond back his Bondness. Daniel Craig has made him a Jason Bourne. In Casino Royale, there was a residual Bondness that was all but jettisoned for Q of S. Keep the fast-paced action chase-fights, just cut the number of them in the movie in half. Then spend the rest of the time re-imbueing character back into James.
5. No shakey-cam. No, no, no, no, no, no, NO! ’Nuff said.
6. Give Bond back some cool gadgets. Maybe my memory is failing me, but was Q even in the last two flicks? And by “cool” I mean science fiction-ish. Not overgrown toy stuff, like remote-control cars. Something cool, like bullets that track certain DNA, or can go around corners. Something weird, that will come into play at a crucial but unexpected turning point three-quarters of the way through the movie.
7. No MTV-style editing. I don’t need a headache from ten-thousand half-second shots every time Bond swings his dukes.
8. Bad guy has to get his comeuppance in a spectacularly violent or destructive way. LeChiffre was shot off screen, I believe, and Q of S Euroweenie was left out in the desert to die. Blah. The next Bond villain has to die in a self-collapsing contained dirty bomb nuke detonation. Or something similar.
9. Next movie needs to be 100 minutes. No more. Anything more – even one minute more – indicates a lack of concise thought actualized in the screenplay. Keep it short and sweet, and leave ’em wanting more.
10. Have Daniel Craig tell a joke, fer cryin’ out loud! All those double entendres that slide off the tongues (see? It’s easy!) of Connery and Moore are missing from this new incarnation of 007. It’s what made James Bond James Bond. Craig looks likes he’s relieved and pleased to have just figured out a sixth-grade division problem whenever he spits one out. Other times he looks like he’d rather be planning his next triathlon. If need be, get the man a real, live martini – or two, or three – before filming any scenes with Bondian humor. Trust me, it’ll be an improvement.
There. My 10-Point Plan to Make the Next Bond Movie A Hit. I have no confidence, though, that anyone involved will come close to doing any of the above, which is a shame. Because, no matter how lame they are, there’s always an expectation, an interest, something that draws many of us to the next James Bond flick, be it an escape back to boyhood memories or a brief interlude in an exciting, over-the-top world of adventure.
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