5 Books in Need of a Film

C’mon Hollywood, stop bringing old sitcoms to the big screen. Stop making sequel after sequel after sequel. Stop remaking Japaneses slasher movies. Stop making full-length features of bad SNL skits. Stop!

Get some smart screenwriter to adapt the plots and characters of these books:

1. A Confederacy of Dunces. I know this has been in green-light hell for years. I know that Will Ferrell was attached to the project for a while, but he ain’t right for the role. Need someone more slobbier, more snobbier, for Ignatius. If I think of anyone, I’ll let you know.

2. Killerbowl. If done right, we’ll have a worthy successor to the Rollerball of the 70s. If done right, you’ll have yer violence with yer anti-violence message. If done right.

3. Eifelheim. Since we’re mixing cowboys and aliens this summer, why not go to some truly moving source material and combine medievals and aliens. The last five pages of this novel made me dread ever sitting behind a keyboard again – how can I ever, ever, ever hope to write anything a fraction as moving as those final scenes! Give it to a young, intelligent director (keep Jerry Bruckheimer far, far away from it) and let him bring it tastefully to the big screen.

4. A Voyage for Madmen. A trans-global non-stop sea race. Nine men begin. One finishes. One dies. One decides to skip the finish line and keep going. Real terrifying scenes of internal madness and physical hell on earth. The wife and I have already cast Colin Firth as Donald Crowhurst. Get him to sign the dotted line and begin filming.

5. Man Plus. With a heavy dose of Spielbergian direction and not-too-overt use of CGI, you got summer blockbusters here. Action, back-breaking suspense, and a moral, too, somewhere in there.

Now, if only I could write screenplays …