Pulled

Argh.

Been under so much mental strain the past … I dunno … weeks? months? years? … at least since my big hospitalization and subsequent job hunt over five years ago now.  I feel pulled in so many directions, yet none of them offer a clear-cut path to economic freedom.

Or at least economic acceptance.  What do I mean by “economic acceptance”?  I guess earning a paycheck for doing something I enjoy.  Right now, I’m good at what I do and I like what I do, but it’s unfulfilling, monetarily unrewarding and ultimately a dead-end.  It’s treading water.

The problem is, I can’t discern what I should do.  Oh, I can discern what I want to do, no problem.  Always have, and it is one of the major regrets in my life that I didn’t pursue better dreams with more passion earlier in my life.  But then I wouldn’t have the wife and little ones, would I?  So, there’s at least half a dozen things I’d like to do, maybe even more, but I feel powerless and uncertain on which one I should pursue full-force, knowing full-well my time and energies are limited at this point in my life.

Sigh.

Pulled this way, pulled that way, pulled here, pulled there, pulled everywhere …

An ounce of certitude.  That’s all I want.  That’s all I need.

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Note: This has been a rare intimate moment of personal openness from your semi-anonymous host.  Back to regularly scheduled programming tomorrow morning.