Statement of Candidacy

No matter what I do, what my friends and family do, what Donald Trump does, what Hillary Clinton does, what the terrorists do, or what the media reports, there’s a 99-percent chance my state will go Democrat this November. Since that nauseates me, and since I find the GOP candidate constitutionally unfit for the office, I spent my lunch break searching for a viable third-party protest vote. And no, it won’t be to the libertarians, who strike me as discontented Democrats after listening to an interview with their VP candidate on the AM airwaves.

What I found between bites of turkey and cheese on bagel was insane.

My wanderings brought me to ballotopedia.org, where I discovered that, as of August 1, 2016, a total of 1,817 candidates have filed a Statement of Candidacy with the Federal Election Commission. This is the first official step in running for President.

Here is a “random” sampling of some of the candidates on the list:

Seven the Dog

Some Lice

Han James Solo

Pizza Hey He Stole That Guy’s

Soul Bunny

Super Reagan

Emperor Palpatine

Paul Y. Potato

Franklin Delano Robbins Jr

Alexander Hamilton

Dog Eating Maniacal Fish Brained Ugly Commandant

Abraham Lincoln

Tim Timmy

Gyro Zeppeli

Batman Notbrucewayne

Kermit Frog

Boris de Pfeffel Johnson

A Senataur

Patrick Stewart

Fonzi Berman

Neez Dutz

Bofa Deez Nuts

Doctor Pepper

Ja’Crispy

This Is Fake

Ambiguous Bob VII

Rarest Pepe

Porcupines R. Spikey Jr

Frosty Chicken

Sauron Tar-Annatar

Benjamin Dover

Very Odd Dog

President Emperor Caesar

After checking not once but twice, I could not find Hugh Jass on the list.

The Federal Election Commission website states that one must file a statement of candidacy after receiving contributions or making expenditures in excess of $5,000.

I have to believe this rule has recently been violated at least 1,817 times.