Week 4 of the 2017 NFL Season

TIME: Sunday, 12:50 pm

PLACE: An apartment in a gentrified section of a blue state city

Old Hippie, Social Justice Warrior, and Woke Hipster sit snacking on kale chips and kraut frittatas, sipping IPA beer, waiting for the game to start …

OLD HIPPIE: So why are we watching football this week? I’ve never watched a game in my life.

SOCIAL JUSTICE WARRIOR: The only football I’m aware of is fútbol. You know, soccer. We’re like the only country that doesn’t recognize the greatness of soccer.

WOKE HIPSTER: I watched a four-hour World Cup game once. Venezuela beat Cuba, 1-0.

OLD HIPPIE: But football is so … warlike.

SOCIAL JUSTICE WARRIOR: We have to support the players. They’re honoring the sacrifices made by our fathers and grandfathers by kneeling during the national anthem. It’s what our fathers and grandfathers would have wanted.

WOKE HIPSTER: They fought and died for our right to protest! Even things they routinely did out of love for this country. It’s like the only thing that makes this country great.

OLD HIPPIE: Look – there’s barely anyone in the stands. Maybe the owners should let the homeless or some undocumented immigrants in to watch the games.

SOCIAL JUSTICE WARRIOR: Why are there soldiers and all that flag waving on the field? Is it to remind viewers of America’s imperialism under Republican presidents?

WOKE HIPSTER: Hey, they’re showing highlights from last week’s games. I don’t see anyone kneeling though. Just a bunch of running and throwing and kicking that brown ball thing.

OLD HIPPIE: I’m not comfortable with all this violence. Hitting and tackling. Isn’t there a better way to play football?

SOCIAL JUSTICE WARRIOR: How about each team tries to raise awareness for some worthy cause, like man-made climate change or transgender bathrooms, and the two teams who raise the most awareness get to be in the Super Bowl?

WOKE HIPSTER: Pope Francis could umpire the Super Bowl. He’s really great when it comes to climate change, and he’s totally nonjudgmental.

OLD HIPPIE: How would we decide which team raised the most awareness?

SOCIAL JUSTICE WARRIOR: By whichever one raises the most money?

WOKE HIPSTER: I’m not comfortable with money. It just oozes privilege and is so patriarchal.

OLD HIPPIE: And these names! We’ll have to change some of these team names.

SOCIAL JUSTICE WARRIOR: We’ll need a federal judge for that. I’ll call my friend at the ACLU.

WOKE HIPSTER: The New York Giants! What, are there no short people in New York?

OLD HIPPIE: So ableist. If I was a dwarf I would be uncomfortable rooting for the Giants.

SOCIAL JUSTICE WARRIOR: Wait – can we say ‘dwarf’?

WOKE HIPSTER: And what if you’re a very tall person? Surely not everyone on the Giants is, uh, a giant. Sounds like appropriation to me.

OLD HIPPIE: Shhh! The game is starting. They’re playing the anthem. The players are taking a knee!

SOCIAL JUSTICE WARRIOR: Quick, let’s take a knee in solidarity with our brothers in the NFL.

WOKE HIPSTER: When will women be allowed to play in the NFL?

OLD HIPPIE: I know, right? Hashtag women in the NFL now!