In an Alternate Timeline...

FIRST NEWSCASTER: There you have it, first words on the Wuhan virus from President Hillary Clinton.

SECOND NEWSCASTER: To recap, President Clinton advised us all to go out without fear, not to change plans, to get out into the stores and the malls, to carry on with business, to keep the economy improving in its sluggish recovery since Election Day 2016.

THIRD NEWSCASTER: For those who haven’t heard, the Wuhan virus is a slightly different version of the flu that has originated in China. The first cases sprung up there three months ago, and the Chinese authorities seem to have a handle on it.

FIRST: And to reiterate what Vice President Kane said, there is no cause for alarm.

SECOND: Of course, as the President said – rather, the Director of the CDC, who was on the podium with President Clinton – of course, if you are feeling ill –

THIRD: Or over age 65, a high risk group –

FIRST: Yes, over 65, of course, and you’re feeling ill, then you are advised to stay home –

SECOND: Exactly if you had the flu.

THIRD: Yes. The Wuhan virus is no more deadly than a bad case of the flu.

FIRST: As President Clinton said in her speech. The other warning …

SECOND: If you have an underlying condition …

THIRD: Yes, if you have an underlying condition, also, it’s good to stay home. Keep a low profile.

FIRST: Both President Clinton and Vice President Kane have said that they’ve had the flu, and have had no serious complications.

SECOND: I’ve had the flu, most of my family had this winter, and we’ve had no issues. We’ll be out shopping all this week.

THIRD: So, if you are healthy, in the words of our President, “carry on with business,” and “keep the economy improving.” I plan to do my part [laughter] and so does my wife! [more laughter]

FIRST: And to highlight this “business-as-normal” approach to this flu, Bill Clinton, the First Gentleman, will be out playing nine holes in the Senior Celebrity Golf Open over in Hawaii tomorrow afternoon.

SECOND: Proceeds of the benefit to go to Planned Parenthood …

THIRD: We’ll be there covering it live!