Philosophy with Patch

 

SCENE: The Honda Accord this morning, doing errands, to culminate in dropping off Patch, age 15, at the soccer field for her reffing gig.

ME: I can prove to you that the universe HAS to exist.

PATCH: (groaning) Not more philosophy, Dad.

ME: Listen, this is cool. I’ll try to say it slowly. It took me a little while to get it down myself.

PATCH: Do I have to?

ME: Yes, if you want me to continue my duties as chauffeur.

PATCH: Ugh. Alright.

ME: This will prove that the universe must exist. Assume there is nothing. No universe, nothing. Then there would be no laws, because laws are something. If there are no laws, then everything is permitted. If everything is permitted, that means that nothing is forbidden. If nothing is forbidden, well, that means that nothing can not be. It can’t exist. Therefore, something must exist. That something is what we call the universe.

PATCH: I hate philosophy! Just a bunch of old nerds living in their parent’s basements trying to make everything more complicated!

ME: What do you mean? They’re trying to explain things.

PATCH: Well, maybe some philosophers are okay. Maybe someone like Socrates was able to figure things out and explain them in new ways.

ME: So would you lump Socrates in with all these old nerds?

PATCH: Dad, I didn’t say Socrates lived in his parent’s basement!

 

I think Socrates would have loved Patch. Whether she’d love him is a different story …