The Hobbit

Okay, I saw Peter Jackson’s The Hobbit last night, and only one word echoed through my mind for all those 136 minutes:

Not AWESOME. Not COOL. Not even, WOW.

No. The reverberating word was, “why?”

Of course, I know. You do, too. The Lord of the Rings made gazillions of dollars. Ergo, The Hobbit.

Or, as I have seen in print elsewhere, The Lord of the Rings VI: The Prequel, Part I.

All the preliminary reports about the movie are true. Specifically, the one mentioning “killing the goose that laid the golden egg,”, but also “milking a dead cow” and “beating a dead horse,” or some amalgamation of the three. Believe me, I had a terribly difficult time keeping the image of pony-tailed, goatee’d, sockless “suits” (is that an 80s image, or do “suits” still look like that?) rubbing their hands in glee, dollar signs for pupils, salivating over further profits engendered from lowest-common-denominatoring Tolkien to the unwashed masses.

Yeah, there were a few things I liked. Three, actually: 1) As always in these movies, the cinematography is absolutely gorgeous. The colors, the lush details, the new 3-d effect that had me completely oblivious to obvious 3-d. Middle-earth truly comes to life. Parts I liked in particular: the Shire, the Mirkwood, Dol Guldor, Erebor in the distance. 2) Bilbo was well-cast; in fact, he’s probably the best non-computer generated thing about the flick. 3) The wargs and the Necromancer were neat.

That being said, that was it.

Everything else, in retrospect, I hated. In retrospect, because, during the movie, I inadvertently pushed these complaints aside to enjoy the show.

But let’s address that in the final paragraph, okay? Here’s what I, Tolkien fan extraordinaire, found utterly abhorrent about The Hobbit:

* Stretching the handful of chase scenes in the book into non-stop unceasing rollercoaster rides (and not in a good sense). I’m thinking the painfully endless chase in the goblin lair. All it adds up to is sacrificing story, theme, and plot – to allegedly purposeful but ultimately pointless motion.

* Adding whole sequences (were those rock/cliff monsters in the original work?)

* Shoving Lord of the Rings character into the movie, i.e., Elrond, Galadriel, Saruman, even Radagast, who did not appear in The Hobbit, and have no business being there.

* As I’ve said in my Rings reviews, ORCS JUST ARE NOT [yawn] SCARY IN THESE MOVIES!

* A sleigh pulled by bunny rabbits? Really?? Bunnies?!?

* None of the dwarves – NONE! – appear as Tolkien envisioned them. Especially Thorin and Balin. No, they all have the be-braided faux-scuzzy authenticity of Hollywood central casting, complete with fake-looking prosthetic noses and bald domes.

And I do agree with the oft-opined sentiment that while Jackson can film a battle scene or a chase scene, can frame a confrontation or conversation in an utterly beautiful backdrop, he somehow misses the essence of Tolkien. Tone-deaf to the heart of the material. A missing of the mark, as “sin” is often referred as in its original meaning.

All this now out in the open, I must confess that I did enjoy The Hobbit, as long as I wasn’t consciously thinking about it. Isn’t that often the case with so many movies Hollywood makes nowadays? However, I was glancing at my watch every now and then, beginning around the 90-minute mark, and I began playing a game in my mind: is this the scene that the movie will end on? … no … is THIS the scene that the movie will end on? … no … etc, etc, etc, for the next 46 minutes.

Grade: B.