World War Z

Let me get this off my chest right away:

What a major, major, major disappointment!!!

Okay. Now I feel better. Though a few vulgarities should’ve been thrown in to make my opinion a little more clear.

Anyway, World War Z is the movie based on a book that’s long been on my radar. Problem is, I’m almost at the point where I’m zombie-d out. Like vampires two decades ago, zombies have become culturally saturated to the point where they’ve almost lost any and all literary, cinematic, and visceral taste whatsoever. (That last phrase conjures up some nasty images re: the undead, but I’ll let it stand.)

The book, however, and this is only from what I’ve heard (meaning, reviews I’ve read), offers a fresh take on the zombie genre. Rather than a narrative, characters-trying-to-survive –the-zombie-apocalypse-style story like Night of the Living Dead and The Walking Dead, it’s written as a series of United Nations reports on the living’s response to a catastrophic global phenomenon. I remember a reviewer mentioning an interesting point brought up in the book of how the living could not go in water over their heads. Reason being, there most likely were zombies prowling along the bottom. Since they need no air to breathe to survive, zombies could theoretically march down the beaches of Los Angeles, trek across the Pacific floor, and rise up on eastern Asia. They probably are, in the book.

So, with this in mind, I was quite excited to see the flick. What would Brad Pitt do with it? Honestly, I have no problem with Pitt; the majority of the time he either chooses quirky roles or brings a quirkiness to a role that I don’t find annoying. For example, my wife notes than in nearly every scene of the Oceans Number movies he’s eating something. And, of course, who can forget his defining moment as Floyd the stoner in True Romance? I was expected nothing less than a unique and refreshing take on a stale and stultifying horror trope.

You may say that my expectations were raised too high because of this. I might, too, except that the movie blatantly stunk.

How?

Let me count the ways …

First and foremost, the zombies aren’t zombies. They’re the virus-infected monsters from 28 Days Later. You get bit, and twelve seconds later – twelve seconds! that's some fast-actin’ killer proteins! – twelve seconds later you’re a member of an Olympic 100-meter relay team on PCP, with an unnatural fondness for cannibalism. The purist in me shrieks out: These aren’t zombies, and they don’t belong in a zombie movie!

Second, there ain’t no gore. Now, I’m not particularly fond of gore for gore’s sake. I don’t see the vast majority of today’s horror flicks because too often they are simply an excuse for gore for gore’s sake. But it’s a zombie movie fer cryin’ out loud! Where were the blood n guts? There is more gross-out special effects in the opening scene of any Walking Dead episode on AMC than in this entire movie! Oh yeah, right. Need to keep it PG-13, so it can take in more money at the box office.

Third, Brad – looking every bit like a metrosexual Jesus Christ – works for the UN, but that’s about where similarities with the novel – the source material, fer cryin’ out loud, end (Note: there will be a lot more “cryin’ out loud”s in this review, though mercifully I’ll stop using the phrase.) Oh, I think the part of Israel proactively constructing an anti-zombie wall is in both the book and the movie. In the movie, that is, for about ten minutes. So instead of a “meta” take on the zombie phenomenon, we have Brad, loving husband and father with loving wife and daughters in tow, being chased by sprinting zombies for half the movie. The other half he’s trying to solve the “mystery” of zombie-fication, and how mankind can fight back. While being chased by sprinting zombies.

Fourth, the third act devotes itself entirely to solving the “mystery” and discovering a method to fight back. And it’s weak, man, weak. We all now zombies are attracted to sound, right? It’s in every zombie movie, and it’s in this one as well. So when you have to sneak in to the zombie-filled lab to retrieve the vital samples, do you create a sound distraction? No – not until our hero decides to use himself as bait. And when at least ten percent of the audience in the theater is giggling at your supposedly dreadfully frightening monster, you know as a filmmaker you’ve make some terrible choices all along the way.

Fifth, I’ve read that the entire third act was re-shot and added on because test viewing of the original third act failed to generate any positive buzz. The original third act was a climactic army vs. zombie battle that takes place in Russia, where Brad has the earth-shattering epiphany that cold is the greatest weapon against the undead. Yet this was chucked out and the tepid haunted laboratory scene thrown in. I also read – so I can’t vouch for its authenticity – of a weird scene involving grouping members of the same belief systems together to better fight the zombies in Russia. Our Christ-like bearded father-of-the-year UN secret agent hero with the two-hundred dollar straggly haircut is, natch, an atheist. Perhaps not including this scene was the wisest thing the filmmakers did.

Sixth, just so much of it didn’t make sense if you pay attention. The whole “tenth man” thing in Israel – where, if nine Israeli Intelligence agents come to the same conclusion, policy dictates that a tenth man must say the opposite, which is then acted on – is more than a head-scratcher. It’s just dumb writing trying to be profound. The fact that the Navy will kick our hero’s family off the aircraft carrier sanctuary simply because he doesn’t call in for 48 hours is dumb. Especially more so since the authorities are worried the family will consume too much food at the commissary – then spend how much fuel helicoptering them to Nova Scotia! In the lab, Brad injects himself with a random toxic sample, risking his life to test his theory … when he could just hold up a piece of paper to the video camera – which he did earlier to tell the others to let his family know he loves them (remember, father of the year, etc.) – and get expert opinion on what sample would work best.

And on and on and on. I know you’re required to suspend disbelief in the movie theater, but, darn it, these things work their way into my brain in the days after!

The bottom line is that the three seasons of The Walking Dead – particularly the first season – has made any attempt at a traditional, big-screen zombie movie futile. Absolutely futile. The only possible way to succeed is to transcend the genre, and by thus doing, transform it. It can be done. Spielberg is a master at doing this (i.e., Close Encounters, Poltergeist). George Lucas did it with Star Wars. Tim Burton, and later, Christopher Nolan, did it with Batman. It can be done, but it takes vision, expertise, and a damn good story.

World War Z contains neither.

Grade: C-minus.