A Hypothesis on Yard Clipping Collection

Hypothesis: The more bags / containers of yard clippings one puts out for the weekly curbside collection, the greater the probability such collection will never occur.

Test: For the past eight spring / summer / fall cycles, Hopper has regularly put out at least1 large plastic container of grass clippings (raked leaves during the fall) at his curb. A quarter of the time he puts 2 large plastic containers out to the curb. And one-twentieth of the time, 5 percent, he puts out 3 or more containers.

Results: Hopper notes that when he puts one container out to the curb in the morning, he finds it empty when he returns home from work. He also finds when he puts out 2 containers there is a 75 percent chance they will be empty when he returns home. When there are 3 or more containers, he notices there is only a 20 percent chance they will all be emptied.

Note 1: When collection does not occur, Hopper has to drag all the full containers back to the side of his house.

Note 2: When Hopper has to drag all the full containers back to the side of his house, this makes him very angry.

Note 3: This necessitates Mrs. Hopper having to call up the town government, negotiate a labyrinthine voicemail system designed to be a moat against the general public, make several more calls until a live person is reached, and then berate said person for the town’s lockstep one-to-one correspondence with Mr. Hopper’s abovementioned hypothesis.

Conclusion: Hopper spends twenty minutes drawing two graphs and trying to extrapolate a mathematical formula for all this, but realizes he has no clue how to figure this out. Perhaps a math book needs to be cracked. No, wait, there are about seven-hundred-and-fifty more important, pressing issues he needs to take care of. Just visualize some sort of steep parabolic curve and nod sagely.

Recommendation: Vote all the incumbents out in 90 days!

Him You Shall Heed

Prophetam de gente tua et de fratribus tuis, sicut me, suscitabit tibi Dominus Deus tuus: ipsum audies.

- Deuteronomy 18:15.

A prefiguring (or downright annunciation) of Christ, right smack heart in the fifth book of the Old Testament, written by Moses. Pointed out to me by Pope Benedict (well, pointed out to anyone reading his book, Jesus), and for some reason, it resounded soundly.

Character Test

Thought Experiment:

Imagine you’re walking on a secluded path in the woods, away from anyone’s sight. As you round a corner you spot, smack in the middle of the walkway, a big fat wallet. You pick it up and discover there is $500 in cash and a driver’s license inside.

Question:

What do you do?



Do you –

a) turn everything in to the nearest police station

b) pocket the $500 and leave the wallet where you found it



Up until last week, I would have believed the majority of us … oh, say 85 percent of us … would have done option a. I certainly would have, and still would. But now, I’m not so sure.

Case – no, cases – in point:

Exhibit A:

I overpaid a terminated manager a draw. A big error, $1600, so I send him a friendly letter asking him if he could pay our money back. No response. He’s rehired three months later. When I ask him how he’ll pay the company back, he flat-out says to me that he’s not paying it back and lies to my face (I find out later) that another manager waived the debt. Now he’s mad at me because I relayed the fruit of that conversation to the general manager, who made him agree to paying back the overpayment $200 a month.

Exhibit B:

One of the new receptionists calls me all ticked off that her pay wasn’t direct deposited into her bank. A little research reveals she left out a number on the direct deposit authorization form. I call the payroll company to have the money reversed back into our payroll account and issue her a manual check for the net. A week or so later I get a call from the payroll company – the money can’t be reversed. A little more research reveals the new employee, recipient of a $619.33 manual check, also had the original $619.33 deposited into her account a day later and decided not to tell anybody. Now she’s mad at me because she spent the money and I’m taking half off it back this pay and the other half next through a payroll deduction.

Exhibit C:

A salesman is paid $375.84 commission on a deal he was never involved with … on July 3. Four weeks go by, and does he tell anyone? What do you think. Finally, the salesman who did write the deal asks his manager why he was never paid on it. The manager calls up to me in the office, and I tell them that the first guy was paid by mistake because the finance manager put the wrong employee number on the deal. Now he’s gonna be mad at me because next pay I’m going to charge him back the full amount.

That’s nearly $2,600 in EMPLOYEE THEFT. There, I said it. If I overpay you, you are under obligation to notify me. (Hint: I’m an accountant, and I will find the error sooner rather than later, but find it I will.) If you’re overpaid for anything, you are under a moral obligation to return it. It is not a gift. It is not a bonus. It is a mistake. It is someone else’s money. It is no different from finding that wallet loaded with cash on that lonely path.

My wife rationalized it, saying that people do things in such a bad economy as this that they normally wouldn’t do. Maybe so. Still, it doesn’t make it right. It is a far cry from Jean Valjean stealing a crust of bread to feed his family. The ends never justify the means.

I may be tempted by a lot of things in this world, but this is not one of them, thank God.

All I can do is go on as if nothing happened. I still have to provide as best service as possible to all three of these individuals, and I would want to regardless of the circumstances. But so help me, if they ever say harsh words to me in private, I will give them a cold stare and tell them that they flunked the Character Test.