Shows I'd Never Be On

One prodigious angle of the philosophy of Thomas Aquinas is the fact that we can only truly learn what God is by studying what God is not. So in a similar vein, allow me in my titanic humility to point out to you, guests, that the only way you can truly know the Hopper is by knowing what he is not.

For example, here is a brief list of five teevee shows you would never, ever, ever see me on, no matter how much money they threw my way:

Survivorman

If you airlifted me five miles from my home (and I live in the dense suburbs of Northern New Jersey), there’s a strong chance I’d starve to death in a day or two before I could make my way back to civilization. Civilization in this case meaning any highway, office building, street, road, boulevard, apartment complex, McMansion, colonial or Cape Cod house, etc, etc, etc, you could hit if you tossed a stone in the air in just about any direction.

Bob Vila’s This Old House

If you look at my hands, you’ll note I have ten thumbs. And I manage to hit every single one with a hammer on those once- or twice-yearly occasions where I break out a hammer. Yesterday I tried to install a radio-activated doorbell to the outside of my house with double-sided sticky tape. Guess who won – me or the doorbell? You guessed right.

The Apprentice

Man, that show’s a pressure cooker. Five minutes into it I’d tell Trump to go **f** himself, and that’d be ninety minutes before we even got to the boardroom. I’m just made of different cloth from that man, and I guess that’s why he’s worth a couple of billion and I’m worth a couple of thousand.

American Chopper

If I was born into this family, I have to honestly say I’d leave to join the French Foreign Legion. And when the Legion kicked me out, I’d throw myself at the mercy of the church and become a brother of some sort. And if that didn’t work out, well, I’d probably read a lot of books and start blogging.

Fashion Police

I own ten dress shirts; five are white, five are various shades of blue. I own a pair of khakis and two pairs of black dress pants. Out of work, I have a pair of jeans and two pair of khaki shorts, plus five golf shirts, all identical save for their color, which is always monochromatic. All my t-shirts are about ten years old. I own three pairs of shoes: brown ones, black ones, and a pair of sneakers. What is this thing called “fashion”?

There. Study these shows and realize the author of this blog is the antithesis of the amalgamation of the hosts and participants you will have viewed.

Hmmm. This post gives me an idea … the Five Ways or Proofs of Hopper’s Existence … stay tuned!