New Best of the Hopper IV

Submitted to CBS January 27, 2010, yet they did not decide to film it.  Wonder why?


CSI: Miami



OPENING SCENE: Camera pans up from a half-empty jar of peanut butter on a beach, to an ATM swaddled with crime scene tape. Flashing lights. A group of CSI agents silhouetted against a sepia sky. A pair of girls in bikinis strolls by.

WHITE CHICK: So what do we have here?

BLACK GUY: Seems like some sort of electronic theft.

WHITE CHICK: Electronic theft?

BLACK GUY: Yeah, it’s where money is taken out of your bank account without your knowledge or authorization.

HISPANIC GUY: Wait, they can do it?

WHITE GUY: Happens all the time. (disgusted) Big banks …

BLACK GUY: Here’s our victim.

VICTIM, elderly woman, sweater, hair in a bun: (confused) Hello officers.

WHITE CHICK: Can you tell us what happened?

VICTIM: Well, I put my ATM card into the ATM –

WHITE GUY: ATM?

HISPANIC GUY: Automated Teller Machine. It’s a service most banks offer to enable their customers easy, 24-hour access to their money.

WHITE GUY: (disgusted) Big banks …

WHITE CHICK: Let me get this straight. You put your ATM card into the ATM and –

BLACK GUY: Hold on, hold on. ATM card?

BLACK CHICK: Yes, it’s a plastic card, similar to a credit card (split-screen and triple-split screen shots of her showing the officers some credit cards from her wallet). See?

WHITE GUY: I don’t get it. Doesn’t make sense.

HISPANIC GUY: This strip, here, contains information about your account (black-and-white close up of the back of Victim’s ATM card). The ATM can read it once you punch in the correct PIN.

WHITE CHICK: PIN? I don’t follow.

BLACK GUY: Personal Identification Number. It’s a four-digit number you choose for yourself, kind of a specialized lock you put on your card.

WHITE GUY: So you select your own PIN?

BLACK CHICK: Right.

WHITE GUY: And the ATM reads it?

BLACK CHICK: Bingo. (to VICTIM) What happened next, ma’am?

VICTIM: My sight’s not so good, so I have to read the Braille keypad –

HISPANIC GUY: Braille?

WHITE CHICK: It’s a system consisting of raised bumps which enable blind people – or people with limited eyesight – to read. Each cell consists of a recognizable pattern corresponding to a certain letter, number, or grammatical symbol.

WHITE GUY: Keypad?

BLACK GUY: Yes – this (raps knuckles on ATM keypad). It’s a set of buttons arranged in a block to facilitate the inputting of information into a computer.

HISPANIC GUY: And then what happened?

VICTIM: My fingers got stuck! It was as if someone smeared peanut butter all over the keypad! Then the readout said that I had no money in my account! Can you imagine that? My fingers are all sticky!

RED-HAIRED ALBINO GUY: Looks like our Automated Teller Machine ... has its own set ... of sticky fingers.


ROGER DALTREY: Yeahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!