Bigfoot (2012)

When will I learn? When will I ever learn?

Never, ever, ever, ever, ever, expect anything of quality on the Syfy channel.

Well, not that I was expecting quality. Entertainment, I guess, even if of the cheesiest of varieties.

But this movie, Bigfoot, with Greg Brady and that annoying Patridge Family kid, this movie just plain stunk.

And the horror of it all is – I stayed up last night and watched the whole thing!

Now, I enjoy me a bad movie. Back in the 90s I was a huge fan of Mike Nelson and his robot pals, for those of you in the know. Indeed a lot of bad movies, from my youth and even my adulthood, are very near and dear to my heart. But this movie …

- Nothing made sense
- Nobody acted like normal human beings would
- Bigfoot was not sasquatch, it was a King Kong-sized p’d-off head-bitin’ velociraptor
- The CGI was T E R R I B L E !!!

Yeah, I know it may have been made tongue-in-cheek, campiest of campy. But as I watched it, I didn’t think so. I thought I detected some smirky self-deprecating humor from Greg’s droopy face, but if I did, it was only the briefest of flashes. He should have done a Mr. Furley-grinning-at-the-camera!

To accurately sum up this movie I feel forced to use a word I never like to bring out here on the Hopper.

Bigfoot sucked.

However, the good Lord allows evil that good may come of it. I learned a very, valuable lesson. Yes I did. I learned that life is too precious, too valuable, every day and hour and minute, and that even every second squandered is a second we will never have again.

That’s my lesson from Bigfoot.

I hope you forgive my brevity. I had to write this quickly. I’m heading off now with my buddy to the theaters to see Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter.