TIME:
Sunday, 12:50 pm
PLACE:
An apartment in a gentrified section of a blue state city
Old
Hippie, Social Justice Warrior, and Woke Hipster sit snacking on kale chips and
kraut frittatas, sipping IPA beer, waiting for the game to start …
OLD HIPPIE: So why are we watching
football this week? I’ve never watched a game in my life.
SOCIAL JUSTICE WARRIOR: The only
football I’m aware of is fútbol. You know, soccer. We’re like the only country
that doesn’t recognize the greatness of soccer.
WOKE HIPSTER: I watched a four-hour
World Cup game once. Venezuela beat Cuba, 1-0.
OLD HIPPIE: But football is so …
warlike.
SOCIAL JUSTICE WARRIOR: We have to
support the players. They’re honoring the sacrifices made by our fathers and
grandfathers by kneeling during the national anthem. It’s what our fathers and
grandfathers would have wanted.
WOKE HIPSTER: They fought and died
for our right to protest! Even things they routinely did out of love for this
country. It’s like the only thing that makes this country great.
OLD HIPPIE: Look – there’s barely
anyone in the stands. Maybe the owners should let the homeless or some
undocumented immigrants in to watch the games.
SOCIAL JUSTICE WARRIOR: Why are there
soldiers and all that flag waving on the field? Is it to remind viewers of
America’s imperialism under Republican presidents?
WOKE HIPSTER: Hey, they’re showing
highlights from last week’s games. I don’t see anyone kneeling though. Just a
bunch of running and throwing and kicking that brown ball thing.
OLD HIPPIE: I’m not comfortable
with all this violence. Hitting and tackling. Isn’t there a better way to play
football?
SOCIAL JUSTICE WARRIOR: How about each
team tries to raise awareness for some worthy cause, like man-made climate change
or transgender bathrooms, and the two teams who raise the most awareness get to
be in the Super Bowl?
WOKE HIPSTER: Pope Francis could
umpire the Super Bowl. He’s really great when it comes to climate change, and
he’s totally nonjudgmental.
OLD HIPPIE: How would we decide
which team raised the most awareness?
SOCIAL JUSTICE WARRIOR: By whichever one
raises the most money?
WOKE HIPSTER: I’m not comfortable
with money. It just oozes privilege and is so
patriarchal.
OLD HIPPIE: And these names! We’ll
have to change some of these team names.
SOCIAL JUSTICE WARRIOR: We’ll need a federal
judge for that. I’ll call my friend at the ACLU.
WOKE HIPSTER: The New York Giants!
What, are there no short people in New York?
OLD HIPPIE: So ableist. If I was a
dwarf I would be uncomfortable rooting for the Giants.
SOCIAL JUSTICE WARRIOR: Wait – can we
say ‘dwarf’?
WOKE HIPSTER: And what if you’re a
very tall person? Surely not everyone on the Giants is, uh, a giant. Sounds
like appropriation to me.
OLD HIPPIE: Shhh! The game is
starting. They’re playing the anthem. The players are taking a knee!
SOCIAL JUSTICE WARRIOR: Quick, let’s
take a knee in solidarity with our brothers in the NFL.
WOKE HIPSTER: When will women be
allowed to play in the NFL?
OLD HIPPIE: I know, right? Hashtag
women in the NFL now!
2 comments:
Hilarious! Old hippie! Love it!
hahaha. The previous dialogue is fictional and any similarities to actual persons (whose sirname has changed several times), is unintentional.
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