Tattoo You

Am I the only one in the United States who does not have a tattoo?

I swear, everywhere I look I see one. Everywhere.

It seems that having a tat is mandatory to be on certain teevee stations. Bravo, Spike, BET, and certainly those bastions of high culture, MTV and VH1.

What’s going on here? How soon before my kids’ favorite actors and actresses on Nick Jr are sporting ink? When do I get to DVR the iGoToATattooParlor episode on iCarly for the Little One?

I mean, I think my librarian even has a tattoo. I’m sure all the priests at my local parish do. Heck, I think I even spotted that barbed wire tat on my cardiologist’s bicep once.

Why am I against tattoos? I don’t know. I remember being a dopey kid sometime in the late 80s and chatting with my friends about getting one. One dude hung out with us had ’em all up and down his arms. He was the guy that bought us the beer, and after we consumed about a six pack each talk of tattoo acquisition would commence. But I never got one. Probably due to equal measures sobriety, chickening out and common sense. I could never imagine myself with a four-inch rose or a skull on my arm, though I did express interest in a flowery EXISTENTIALISM SUCKS design.

I wonder if I’ll get any hate mail for this. If you have a tattoo, great. If you want a tattoo, great. I just don’t want my girls to get any. And I don’t want ’em dating any guys with tats. To me, the permanent self-mutilation represents … how to say this delicately … a conscious decision to honor the short-term over the long-term, the adolescent rebel phase over the mature achievement mindset, the tribal and primitive over the cultured and sophisticated. It undeniably limits one’s future opportunities. And for you rebels, it’s a perfect example of herd mentality.

There, that was delicate, right?

If you think I’m wrong, explain to me why.

Or maybe I’m just watching too much reality teevee.


[Editor’s Note: Members of the military, past and present, are exempt from the gripings and criticisms of this post. We love the military here at the Hopper. For the sacrifices they made and continue to make to keep all of us safe, they can do whatever they damn well please with their skin.]