Drugification

SCENE: State-of-the-art conference room at SuperPharm, a state-of-the-art drug corporation. The lean, balding CEO sits at the center in the largest chair. Two well-dressed Executives are at his left; the Director of Marketing at his right. A lab-coated scientist with a clipboard hovers over in a far corner.

CEO: So, what’re the latest test-outs on the new batch of BLLSHT?

EXEC #1: Good news and bad news, sir.

EXEC #2: But, sir, the good news is really good!

CEO: Give me that bad first.

EXEC #1: Well, as you know, the BLLSHT compound trials have yielded an unexpected side effect –

CEO: You’re going to tell me that this side effect doesn’t cause cancer to go into remission, aren’t you? Remember: we want to market a cancer cure. That’s the goal. That is why SuperPharm spent $2.8 billion and ten years of research developing it.

SCIENTIST: I’m afraid it doesn’t –

EXEC #2: But we’re approaching this with an open mind, and I think you’ll like where we want to go.

CEO: Wait – is the side effect harmful?

EXEC #2: Nooooo.

CEO: Phew! (Fake-wipes fake-sweat from bald brow; group laughs on cue)

EXEC #1: Not per se.

CEO: What does that mean?

SCIENTIST: BLLSHT-1drg has been determined to make the eyes yellowish, but does not damage the liver, as might be suspected in such a condition. At least in 98 percent of the trials we’ve run so far.

CEO: Hmmm. (long pause). Okay. Where do we go with this? I have a shareholders meeting on the seventh.

DIR OF MARKETING: Already have it mapped out, sir.

CEO: Go ahead.

DIR OF MARKETING: We’ve envisioned several scenarios we can explore. For example … (points a remote control at a large video screen)

VIDEO:

A middle-aged woman dressed smartly is making a salad in a clean, well-lit kitchen. “Hello,” she says, looking up. “I have it all. I’m a mother, a wife, an office manager, and I’m part of the ladies club here in town. But for years something has always held me back, kept me from being the best mother, wife, manager, and club participant I can be:

“My eyeballs are too white.”

CUT TO AN ANATOMICAL DIAGRAM OF THE HUMAN EYE. THE CORNEA QUICKLY BRIGHTENS TO ALMOST BLINDING WHITENESS – THEN FADES BACK TO WOMAN.

“It’s a condition called Extreme Ocular Albinism, and it plagues 7.2 percent of the human population. Now there’s a cure for those of us who suffer in silence – ”

CEO: Perfect! Run with it. Get me a transcription of that commercial. I want a plan for hitting all the women’s mags: Cooking Light, Ladies Home Journal, Self, Good Housekeeping, oh, and hit the men’s too: GQ, Playboy, all the fitness rags. Make it a self-esteem issue for the women, and a sexual one for the men.

DIR OF MARKETING: Already done, sir. We’ll have copy for both on your desk by the end of the day.

CEO: But … cut out that 7.2 percent figure. That may require expensive verification.

DIR OF MARKETING: We just made it up anyway. We can cut it from the video for the shareholders meeting.


* * *


Now, don’t get me wrong. I am a capitalist. I am enthusiastically for corporate research, economic opportunism, and entrepreneurial get-to-it-ness. I am for that find-a-need-and-fill-it niche exploration so unique to American business. Kept within obvious, well-known moral boundaries, of course.

But this drug stuff drives me crazy. The drugification of American society. We get Cooking Light as a gift from my in-laws, and in each issue there’s close to 30 pages devoted to selling drugs. The first page is the smiling victim of varying demographic, and the next page or two is the fine print legalese. In a cooking magazine!

What really called my attention to this is the weirdness of the “disorders” the drug is trying to cure. You’ve probably seen the ads about dry eyes (people who can’t “manufacture their own tears”) or twitchy-leg syndrome. That’s what my parody is about. I honestly think pharmaceutical companies discover some strange side effect and set out to market it by making the “disorder” the side effect “cures” a mainstream ailment.

Is this ethical? Is this a fair use of resources? I suppose if I spent the time to take everything to its logical conclusion, I’d have to say, yes, so long as the research was done ethically, the public is informed of any risks and participation with the drug is completely voluntary. But I don’t believe the public is informed enough and I do believe some of these types of drugs will be given to people in some degree of involuntary capacity.

Oh, that reminds me – I forgot to take my Plavix this morning …