Tuesday, November 22, 2011

Problem, Not Solution

It’s official. I am now a libertarian. One of the sort who goes around spouting, “Government isn’t the solution. Government is the problem.”

Okay. Maybe I’m exaggerating. Maybe not. Check this out.

Sunday me and Little One spend two-and-a-half hours raking leaves. We have guest coming this Thanksgiving so we want the place to look somewhat manicured and cultured. Instead of raking the excess out to the curb I buy those five-foot tall brown paper bag thingies that hold about three or four bushels of leaves apiece and we spend thirty or forty minutes filling them. I put them in the garage so they don’t get wet with the incoming rain, then this morning I wake up a few minutes early and put all five bags out to the curb. Tuesday mornings the town DPW truck drives around picking up bagged leaves this time of year.

Except, of course, for today. So for twelve hours the five giant paper bags o’ leaves have been sitting and soaking in the pouring rain.

Thank you, local government. Good I voted anti-incumbent three weeks ago.

So now my in-laws get to see the five giant leaf bags every time they peek out the window. Not a big deal, not a huge crisis, but it ticks me off that I spent time bagging them when I could’ve just swept them out to the street. But God forbid the town figures out a way to collect street leaves in a timely fashion and more than twice a year. They’d just blow back on my lawn by the time that leaf-sucking truck gets around.

Memo to Town Government: You s*ck. And by extension, so do you, State and Federal Governments. If it is philosophically impossible for you to solve a leaf collection problem, how can you possibly solve poverty, educate our children, manage our healthcare, and spend our money wisely. You are the problem.

I said to my wife, “If I had a pick-up truck and had a personality like Darryl of The Walking Dead, I’d drop off those five bags of leaves on the lawn of the borough hall.” My wife replied, “I don’t blame you.”

Now, if a truck comes by and picks up them bags tomorrow, I’ll sure feel silly about this post, and I’d even man-up and apologize. But I’d bet turkey dinner that our town offices will be closed tomorrow, and Thursday of course, and Friday of course, and Saturday, of course.

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