Tuesday, January 24, 2012

Underworld Awakening

My head was splitting, my ears were aching, my eyes were twitching, my heart was pounding, my stomach was churning, my brain was reeling.

And none in a good way.

It was ten minutes into Underworld: Awakening, the vampires vs. werewolves movie my pal dragged me too. Well, I wanted to check out the chick in the leather outfit, and I was basically virgin to all the other Underworld: Nouns, so I was willing game. Poor, poor me.

It’s only January 24, and I have already surpassed my annual cinematic quota of bursting brains. Bursting brains via bullet, gun, fang, grenade, needle, you name it, the movie’s a very bloody entry into the annals of attention-deficit drama. Everything about it was depressing: the washed out cinematography, the concrete lab-fortress as modern-day Castle Frankenstein, the joyless existence of every single character, even the Star Trek redshirts. And I am so tired of that vampire look of the past twenty years – a cross between Abercrombie & Fitch model and something outta the pages of my wife’s Vogue magazine.

What sickened me most, I think, was the oozing evil of the thing. Not true scary and seductive evil, like that Lambs movie; this evil is just plain stupid and boring. Vampires were evil, the werewolves were evil, each and every human was evil. Heck, I was even rooting for the main character, Kate Beckinsale’s vampire, to get killed. No mercy, no hope, nothing. This, I thought, desperate to give my theatergoing experience some meaning, is the World without Christ.

Yet I enjoy the Resident Evil flicks. Why? I think it goes back to that hope thing. In the latter movies, there’s always a plucky band of human survivors trying to overcome the zombie psycho menace. True, they’re killed off one by one and in similarly grotesque ways, but a few always overcome, and hope wins the day, at least in some small measure.

Plus, Milla just kicks Kate’s butt any day.

Underworld: Awakening – Grade: D. (Hey, the 3-D was impressive)

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